Criminal Venture, part 1: Initial Public Enemy Offering!

Stinky Shimko reached for his wallet. Another man was holding it, but it was Stinky's now. That's because Stinky had his foot firmly holding the other man's throat to the sidewalk.

"Stinky..." the wallet donor gasped. "Could you...why don't we..."

"Shaddap," Stinky explained. He started going through the wallet. Stinky's business associate Bull Markham fidgeted slightly, bored. Business as usual.

Bull was a big Irish-Welsh mutt with a face like a bulldog who rarely said more than a word at a time. Stinky was nearly his exact opposite - a tall whip-thin half-Japanese half-Italian gangster who called himself a GuiNip. Stinky and Bull got along great together because they always knew exactly where each other stood - Stinky had all the answers, and Bull never asked any questions.

"You hadda show your face here again, Abe," Stinky said to the man beneath his shoe. "Don't you know what I gotta do now? I just had this suit cleaned. And you don't even have enough your wallet to cover it."

"Inconsiderate," agreed Bull.

"Disrespectful," Stinky furthered. "We told you to beat it once, Abe. What the hell are you doing back in our-" Stinky found a folded-up piece of paper in the unfortunate Abe's wallet.

"What the hell's this?" Stinky asked. He started reading it aloud. It said:

Criminal Venture Capital! Intended Audience Put it this way - if you're a cop, stop reading and start running. Unless you're on the take, in which case see subsection "c". Mission statement We rob stuff, so's we can provide the absolute best for our customers - ourselves. This Thing of Ours We are the guys who were in that other thing last year. We are planning this new thing here. And due to Greasy Tony losing big at craps last year, and then the game getting busted thanks to a certain songbird who shall remain headless, we are looking for investors. We got a big haul planned. How big? We gonna be the Bill Gates of robbing muthafuckas. How we gonna do it You're nuts if you think we're telling you. That's how. What you need to get in: 1. Moolah This'll take $50 mil to set it up. You get one share of the haul for each $5 mil. 2. Bastids Every one of you rich bastids can front the cash, nominates 5 of their favorite sick killer bastids. We look over their resumes, and pick 2 sick bastids for every rich bastid. Any extra skillsets we need, we take referrals from their talent agencies. Yeah, agents - everyone's a big shot now. 3. Broads You might want to start lining up the broads to count your money in they underwear. ROIJ (Return on Investment, Jerky) Payout at 10 to 1 per share, guaranteed. Guaranteed how? Every one of us, you and the team o' sick bastids is getting some sorta Snake Plissken tiny bombs put in they neck. You know, "Escape From New York"? Anyone starts acting stupid,Boom! Instant dead fuckup. Lotsa dry-cleaning. If you never seen “Escape From New York”, go see it. How you gonna invest without research? Done deal Once we count up the haul, we'll even launder it right into a great offshore account for each one of you. It’s an IRA - with the IRA. Just don't let 'em invest it in potatoes, beer or bullets and you're home free. Questions There better not be any more goddamn questions. In Conclusion We look forward to robbing great business together. Appendix As in, we gonna rip yours out with a rusty fishhook if you don’t ante up in the next 24 hours. Subsection a: Past success The thing 2 years ago: fuhgedaboutit. The thing 5 years ago: like butter. The thing 6 years ago: rated “Bada bing!” by the Five Families Index Subsection b: Tax deduction Anyone of you even thinks about this near the taxman, and we deduct your head. Subsection c: Capiche? Cops stink. But if you got $5 mil, you musta done somethin right. List who you did it for, or start shopping for a coffin.

"Well?" said Stinky. "I'm waiting." The hapless Abe motioned to indicate that the lack of a shoe on his windpipe would greatly aid his speaking.

(to be continued)